One Liners from the Edinburgh Fringe
“Our mate Dave was drowned. For the funeral we have a wreath made in the shape of a lifebelt. It’s what he would have wanted.”
“Have you heard about the French existentialist seagull? It flies around and says (squeaky voice) “pourquoi?”
Bad Weather Fishing
Very early one Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly so as not to wake his wife, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the 4×4. Coming out of his garage he finds the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his 4×4 back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible”. To which she sleepily replies, “Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?”
The Fishing Priest
Father Michael was an avid fisherman, and whenever he was not fulfilling his priestly duties he would be out on the lough. One summer (2008) there had been weeks of stormy weather and he hadn’t been able to go fishing at all. He was desperate. One morning, the day dawned calm and mild: he could go. But – it was Sunday! He was supposed to be taking Mass in the church. “I know”, he thought. “I’ll pretend I have the ‘flu and Father O’Leary can take Mass for me. I’ll drive 50 miles to a river where I am not known, and have my day’s fishing.”
So that is what he did. However, he could not hide from God. One of the angels spotted him, and immediately snitched on him to God. God peered through the clouds and frowned.
“Are you going to punish him?” asked the angel. God nodded. The angel watched, expecting Father Michael to step in a wasp’s nest or fall in the river. Suddenly, Father Michael struck into a massive fish, and after a lengthy struggle the fish was on the bank. It was a huge salmon, almost certainly a record.
“But…I thought you were going to punish him?” asked the angel.
“I did,” said God. “Now who can he tell?”
Doreen’s husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt’s obituary to read.
Doreen asked the undertaker, “How much does an obituary cost?”
The undertaker replied, “One dollar per word.”
Doreen then said, “I want the obituary to read – MATT IS DEAD.”
The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt’s and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, “I’ll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I’ll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket.”
Doreen’s face lit up and she replied, “Great. I want it to read – MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.”
From my son Josh:
“Dad, why are pirates called pirates?”
“Don’t know, Josh”
“Because they Arrrrr”
Another pirate joke…
A pirate was in a bar, he was obviously a pirate because he had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook instead of a hand. A young couple came into the bar, and were curious about the pirates past.
“How did you loose your leg?” they eventually asked.
“Arrr, was after a shipwreck off the Spanish Main, I was in the water for five days and a shark bit me leg clean orf,” he told them.
“And how did you loose your hand?”
“Arrr, I was in a pitched battle with the Customs men and was fighting hand to hand across the deck. A sword stroke took me hand clean orf.”
“And what about the eye?”
“Arrr, a seagull splat in it.”
“Surely that didn’t cause you to lose an eye?”
“Arrr, was me first day with the new ‘ook.”
She wasn’t expecting that…
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went fishing.
And your point is……?
This is only funny because of the name
Don’t involve your boat in your marital problems
This works better when you say it
“What do you call a fish with no eye?”
Noah goes fishing
God: “Hi Noah, been out in the Ark lately?”
Noah: “Yes, went out for a bit of fishing yesterday”
God: “Any good?”
Noah: “No, I couldn’t stay out long, I only had two worms…”
Q. What sort of lights did Noah have on the Ark?
(Thank you Peter Gander!)
Strange but true
A man who lives at Lake Conroe (50 miles north of Houston) saw a ball bouncing around in an odd way in the lake and went to investigate. It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to swallow a basketball which became stuck in its mouth!
The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but was unable to because the ball would always bring him back up to the surface. The man tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the hungry catfish. You would not believe this if you did not see the pictures.
Some mothers do ‘ave ’em (true story)
Last summer down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was …….the trailer!
Some things never change
My favourite Larson cartoon. I hope he doesn’t mind it being here.
Two fish in a tank
Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says “How do you drive this thing?”
Only in America…
Would you have your photo taken as well.
Permission to fish
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.” They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.
“You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fancy some rumpy-pumpy or shall I go fishin?” and she said, “Wear sun-block.”
Not the Solent, you’ll be pleased to know…..
The shortest fairy tale ever told….
Once upon a time, a man asked a beautiful girl to marry him.
“No” she said.
And the man lived happily ever after, and went fishing, watched Sky Sports whenever he wanted, went drinking with his mates and still had money left over.
Some airlines have real style….
A fish swims headfirst straight into a great big concrete wall. “Dam”, he says.
An angler and his wife lived a long and virtuous life together. When they were in their nineties they were involved in a horrendous car accident and both were killed instantly. Being good people that arrived at the Pearly Gates Reception where St Peter was ready to welcome them.
“You are going to love Heaven, we have a special section for anglers,” he said. “We have the best storm beaches where the bass come right into the breakers. The rocks have easy access and you can cast into deep clear water for pollack, wrasse etc. There are boats waiting in the harbour to take you out for tope and cod, because this is where they came after they were fished out of the North Sea. And there are big game boats ready to take you off-shore after tuna, marlin and wahoo. Its never stormy, you will love the ride.”
The angler listened to this, then turned rounded and gave his wife a right slap round the face.
Shocked, St. Peter said “Why did you do that???”
“Because if she hadn’t made me exercise and eat all that heath food rubbish I could have been here years ago!”
Not a Fake
Luckily the whale is a baby, but I expect the kyaker pooed himself all the same.
Two men were fishing on a river bank in a remote area on a Saturday afternoon miles away from a TV or radio. Suddenly one man turns to the other and says “Sunderland have lost again.”
The other man was astonished and said “How the hell do you know that?” The man replied “It’s a quarter to five”
From a letter to Viz
“On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They’ve obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.” Alan J., London